Understanding Attachment Styles: How They Impact Adult Relationships
- Keilyn Goatley
- Apr 18, 2025
- 4 min read
Why Attachment Styles Might Be the Real Reason Your Relationships Feel So Hard!
You’re not needy. You’re not cold. You’re not broken.
But if your relationships keep following the same painful pattern—getting too close too fast, pulling away the moment it gets real, constantly doubting if someone cares—it’s time to ask: Why is this happening?
Many of us carry hidden emotional maps into adulthood. We’re following directions we didn’t write, ones that were formed long before we even knew what love meant. Those directions? They’re called attachment styles—and they quietly shape the way we love, argue, connect, and sometimes, push people away.
In this post, we’ll break down what attachment styles are, how they show up in adult relationships, and most importantly, how you can start rewriting the script. If you’ve ever felt like you’re “too much” or “never enough,” this might change everything.
What Is an Attachment Style, Really?
An attachment style is basically your emotional muscle memory. It’s how you expect people to treat you and how you respond when intimacy feels either too close or too far.
And these aren’t conscious choices. Your style forms early, often in the first few years of life. If your caregivers were attentive and predictable, you probably developed a secure attachment. If they were emotionally unavailable, overly critical, inconsistent—or even too enmeshed—you may have adapted by becoming anxious, avoidant, or both.
The Four Core Styles:
🔵 Secure
You're able to get close without losing yourself. You’re open, stable, and resilient when conflict arises. Emotional intimacy doesn’t scare you.
🟠 Anxious (Preoccupied)
You crave connection but fear abandonment. You may read into silences or worry when someone pulls back, even slightly.
🟡 Avoidant (Dismissive)
You prefer distance. Intimacy feels suffocating. You might shut down during conflict or avoid relying on others, even when you need support.
🔴 Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant)
A mix of both anxious and avoidant. You want closeness but fear it. These relationships often feel intense, confusing, or chaotic.
It’s not about labeling yourself—it’s about understanding your wiring. And once you do, you can rewire it.
Why It Matters: What the Research Shows
This isn’t pop psychology. It’s science-backed. Studies show that over 40% of adults have insecure attachment styles. These individuals are significantly more likely to:
Struggle with long-term relationship stability
Experience higher rates of anxiety and depression
Report lower life satisfaction
In one study published by Psychological Science, insecurely attached individuals reported greater stress levels and lower immune function, showing just how deeply this impacts both emotional and physical health.
At Still Waters Counseling Services in Springfield, IL, we regularly meet clients who thought their issues were about “bad timing” or “bad partners”—but the pattern had more to do with unhealed attachment wounds than anything else.
Top 5 Questions People Ask About Attachment Styles
1. Can my attachment style change over time?
Yes. While your early experiences set the foundation, it’s possible to shift toward secure attachment through therapy, self-awareness, and healthy relationships.
2. Is it possible to have a mix of styles?
Definitely. You might be secure with friends but anxious in romantic relationships. Or avoidant at work but clingy with family.
3. What causes a disorganized attachment?
Disorganized attachment often stems from early trauma, abuse, or unpredictable caregiving. The child grows up confused about whether closeness is safe or dangerous.
4. Can my partner’s attachment style trigger mine?
Absolutely. An anxious person dating an avoidant partner often creates a painful dance of pursuit and withdrawal.
5. How can I find out my attachment style?
Therapy is a great place to explore this. You can also start with online quizzes—but working with a trained counselor gives deeper insight. Meet our counselors who specialize in this work.
Attachment in Action: What It Looks Like in Real Life
Let’s say Jamie texts their partner three times in a row, then spirals when they don’t respond. That’s anxious attachment.
Or maybe Alex feels the urge to leave every time things start to feel “too good” with someone new. Classic avoidant.
What about Morgan, who desperately wants love but always sabotages it when things get serious? That’s often a disorganized style rooted in unresolved trauma.
And yet, people can shift. We’ve seen it happen at Still Waters. Secure relationships are not reserved for the lucky—they’re available to anyone willing to do the work.
So, How Do You Start Healing Your Attachment Style?
We won’t lie: it’s deep work. But it’s doable. Here’s where to begin:
🔹 1. Identify Your Pattern
Notice when you feel triggered. Is it after a delayed reply? An argument? A compliment? Track what activates your response.
🔹 2. Regulate, Don’t React
Use grounding techniques like deep breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 sensory method. These help calm your nervous system before you lash out or shut down.
🔹 3. Challenge the Old Story
Ask yourself: Is this fear coming from the present moment, or from my past? Often, we’re reacting to something old.
🔹 4. Practice Secure Behaviors
Even if you don’t feel secure yet, try acting like someone who does. Communicate directly. Set healthy boundaries. Give people space when needed.
🔹 5. Work with a Therapist
This is where lasting transformation happens. Attachment wounds are relational, and healing them requires safe, attuned relationships. Our trauma-informed therapists offer individual and relationship counseling that gets to the root.
“You’re not asking for too much. You’re asking to be held in a way you never were. And that’s a brave thing to do.” – Keilyn Goatley, LCPC, Founder of Still Waters
Take the Next Step Toward Secure Attachment
No matter where you’re starting, change is possible. Your patterns don’t define you. You are not your past.
If you’re tired of feeling like your heart is on a rollercoaster—or if you’re ready to show up as your healthiest self in love, friendships, and beyond—we’re here to support you.
📅 Book your first session now or explore our full list of services. You’re not alone in this.
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